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EROTIC exercise
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Girl with "penis"
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Verry funny.
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Blond massage an negro *****
Fight between girls *****
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Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife promptly goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through." Normans wife, again, promptly goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park ---." then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says:
"Well honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
* * * * *
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the
answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped
indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one,
and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little
Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really
does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
* * * * *
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.""Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left:the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that his best friend was fucking his wife.
* * * * *
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she
was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked
through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around
were her parents and all the other people she had
loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you !
We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place ! How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter
welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and
asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that
day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven,
her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the
woman said. "How have you been ?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her
husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse
who took care of you while you were ill. And then I
won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you
and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my
wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer.
How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word ?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ...
there'll be Hell to pay later.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
* * * * *
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
* * * * *
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
* * * * *
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
* * * * *
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
* * * * *
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
* * * * *
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
* * * * *
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
* * * * *
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
* * * * *
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
* * * * *
Never interrupt Johnny
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat.
Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
...
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
* * * * *
Three men, an Italian, a Spanish and a French are applying for a job in Council of EU.
Before the interview, they are advised that they will have to compose a sentence based on these three words: "green", "pink" and "yellow".
The Italian starts: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself: "I hope it will be a pink day."
Then the Spanish gentleman: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
And finally the French: "I wake up in ze morning, I hear ze phone "green...green...", pink up the phone and I say "Yellow?...
* * * * *
When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants Sun, SCO(UNIX) ,
and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX,
and MS-Condoms 98 respectively. A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that
the condom didn't fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".
They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure.
Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish
reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep,
and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX. Finally, he switched to
MS-Condoms 98. To his surprise it was so good and comfortable! He used it happily.
Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained
to Microsoft. He got the following reply:
A PATCH IS COMING SOON!!!
* * * * *
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked."
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here", said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief.
Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
* * * * *
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